Build Them Up: Strengthening Our Children with Our Words

None of us say the right thing all the time. We all have days when we feel irritable and frustrated. And in the home, when our guard is down and we feel less on show, it’s especially easy to be irritable, impatient, harsh, or complaining. 

The Apostle Paul encourages us to clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.[1] These are virtues that should characterize our interactions with others—including the people in our home. But we know that can be easier said than done. When we’re running late and our children still haven’t finished breakfast, or when a new neighbor is coming over and the floor is strewn with toys and laundry, our responses can lack compassion, gentleness, and patience. At least, I know mine often do!

Our heavenly Father overflows with compassion and kindness toward us—even when we mess up.[2] He responds to our mistakes and failures with gentleness and grace.[3] His discipline is always fueled by love and a desire for our good.[4] He does not crush our spirits but restores us tenderly and patiently.[5]

We can seek to do the same with our children. We can use our words to build them up rather than put them down. To do them good, not harm. To equip them to love and live for Jesus. A few principles have helped me as I have tried to do this:

Show them respect

Children are people made in God’s image. They are not “lesser” because they are small, but they share the same value of all of God’s image-bearers. When we speak to children, our words and our tone can communicate honor and appreciation for their inherent dignity and worth. 

In practice, that may mean taking a moment to remind ourselves of this truth and to pray for eyes to view our children as God does. Before we rush to react to their behavior, we may need to check our own. Are we being tempted to speak in a way that is harsh, irritable, or dismissive of their viewpoints? 

Even when we need to speak words of correction, we can do so in a way that communicates love and value. 

Treat them with patience

How many times do I have to tell you . . . ?

I’ve said these words more times than I can remember. I imagine you have too. It’s frustrating when our children don’t do what they should—whether out of willful disobedience or simply because they are distracted by a more enjoyable activity. It’s especially hard to watch them develop unhealthy patterns of behavior.

As we address these issues, it’s easy to focus only on the end result of correction (right behavior) rather than the slow progress our children make toward that goal. But in our impatience to see results, we may miss opportunities to model patience. 

Our children need to see and hear us being patient with them as they grow in obedience and self-control. That doesn’t mean never repeating instructions or not training them to be obedient. But we also want to be mindful of the bigger goal—their progress in godliness. 

Offer them kindness

Speaking kindly doesn’t simply mean using a soft voice or a sweet tone. In the New Testament, the word most commonly used for kindness conveys goodness, generosity, and grace. To speak kindly is to respond to our children’s struggles with compassion rather than contempt. It is to offer forgiveness for failure. It is to offer the same undeserved and unconditional love that our heavenly Father offers us each day. 

Our children need to know that whatever they do or fail to do, our love for them is unwavering. They need to be confident that we will respond to their successes and disasters with grace. That we will always speak the truth, with the goal of doing them good rather than making them feel bad. 

This is impossible without the help of the Holy Spirit. But we can pray that God will change our hearts and help us reflect his kindness in the way we speak to our children. 

Fill them with courage

When I was training to be a high-school teacher, I was told, “For every one correction, make sure you give five encouragements.” It’s good advice, but it doesn’t get to the heart of encouragement. The point of encouragement isn’t simply to make someone feel better about themselves. It is, literally, to give them courage. 

As moms, we want to fill our children with courage—so they can stand firm and steadfast in a world that will be hostile toward them simply because they belong to Christ. Our goal is not to puff them up with pride in their achievements or to make them believe they are invincible. Rather, we want them to understand what it means to be in Christ and to live out of that identity with boldness and joy. 

So, we will want to regularly remind our children who they belong to. Before they leave for school or go to a social activity, we can remind them that Jesus is with them and that he is strong enough to look after them. We can look for simple ways every day to remind them of God’s power, wisdom, and goodness—and to send them out into his world armed with truth and secure in his love.  

Rely on grace

James says that “no human being can tame the tongue” (James 3:8)—so none of us will find this easy. But the good news is that we don’t need to do it in our own strength. We have a generous Father who promises help to his children.

As we look to do good with our words, the most important thing we can do is spend time in God’s Word and prayer, remembering our need of grace and relying on him to change our hearts and help us reflect him in the way we parent our own children. 

[1] Colossians 3:12

[2] Isaiah 63:7

[3] Psalm 103:10-12

[4] Hebrews 12:10-11

[5] Psalm 34:18; 1 Peter 5:10