Gospel Truths to Free Us from Mom Guilt

In the fall, my firstborn is going off to school. I’m grieving not only the march of time but also my failures to make the most of it. I regret all the days when I was more interested in the state of my floors than his invitation to get down on them and play together; all the sweet moments I missed because of my anxiety—when I was there physically but not really there emotionally; all the afternoons when we watched just a little more TV because I wanted more time for myself or had nothing left in the tank. 

The list goes on. And now, he’s leaving me. Okay, it’s only kindergarten, but still, this is the end of a season.

Your list of regrets might look different than mine. But I’m willing to bet we’ve all got one. Pop psychology names it “mom guilt,” and a large majority of moms say they experience it—regardless of nationality, demographic, or work situation.[1] For something so common, the burden is awfully heavy.

I’d like to blame someone else for my intense—sometimes consuming—struggle. I’d like to blame the thousands of “influencers” and “experts” that set unrealistic parenting expectations I’ll never fully meet. They have a part to play in this, but why do I keep turning to them? Why do I desire whatever promise, product, or method they are selling to finally relieve my brain’s hamster wheel of shoulda, coulda, wouldas? 

Some causes of mom guilt are easier to brush off, but there are others that flow deep—stemming from faulty beliefs about God and ourselves. To experience freedom, we need the gospel corrective that Romans 8:1 offers. We need to know and trust that “there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ”—even for imperfect moms who have made mistakes. We need to be able to separate out truth from lies:

Lie #1: We can be like God

In the aftermath of a struggle or failure, I tend to berate myself that I should have known or done something I could not have possibly known or controlled. When I peel back the layers of mom guilt, I have to confront this underlying desire—I’d like to know everything, be with my kids at all times, and control every situation. In short, I want to be like God.

This unrealistic standard of motherhood—wherein we should have all the answers and control over every detail of our kids’ lives—is a terrible burden we were never meant to bear. But it’s also a temptation—to believe that, with the right information or budget, we could.

Gospel truth #1: Humility frees us

Motherhood is a high calling, but we sometimes confuse it for being super-human. Humility acknowledges our own smallness before God. There is no one like him in knowledge or power.[2] God is God, and we are not. This is really, really good news for the restless, anxious mom. 

In humility, we can actually accept our limits and learn to live within them. This kind of acceptance is freedom—freedom to stop striving for control and to find rest in his sovereign care. For, how good it is to know he holds the breath of every living thing in his hand.[3] 

In the hardest moments of motherhood, when we don’t know what to do or are stretched far beyond our abilities and knowledge, we can remember 2 Corinthians 12:9: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Our limitations are not a liability, or a surprise to God, but an opportunity to turn to Jesus and show our children his glorious sufficiency.

Lie #2: God is a harsh taskmaster

In motherhood, I often feel like I can’t let my guard down for a second—or else everything is going to fall apart. To be a good mom, I’ve got to always be present and watchful. And respond with perfect gentleness. And be 100% consistent with discipline. And, and, and . . . the list goes on.

It’s easy to believe our kids and their futures depend solely on our performance as moms. So, every time we falter or make a mistake, we fear we’re not only ruining their lives but falling under God’s disapproval and judgment as well. 

Gospel truth #2: We have Christ’s perfect record of righteousness

Here’s a shocking truth—God gave us children to love and raise, knowing we are sinners and will make mistakes. His plan was never our performance but his Son’s own perfect record. 

Jesus is a Savior like no other. Hebrews 7:25 says “he is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them.” For those of us who put our faith in Christ, he is interceding on our behalf this very second. The work on the cross is finished, done, completed, and so his record is offered continually on our behalf. Here’s another way to think about it—Jesus saves completely, so that when God looks on us, he sees the perfect righteousness of his Son.

Our efforts in motherhood, then, won’t save us or earn us points with God. And they won’t save our kids. But God can use our feeble offerings in his work to do good things in our families. This reality frees us to love our kids when it is hard and persevere when the fruit of our labor is meager. We put our hand to the plow gladly, doing everything unto the Lord.[4]

Lie #3: We are beyond grace

Does all of this seem a bit much? There are plenty of people who will say that the way to deal with mom guilt is to just relax—We are all doing our best! Stop trying so hard to live up to unrealistic expectations! It’s no big deal!

But if we only ever deal with the surface levels of our mom guilt, we miss the opportunity to receive what we need most—real grace from the real Jesus for our real sins. The hard truth is this: I have sinned as a mom. I have been selfish and controlling and impatient. And the consequences are real: relational hurt and brokenness, generational sin cycles, and other forms of suffering. What then? Is there hope?

Gospel truth #3: God’s forgiveness flows deeper than our sin

When we are haunted by our worst mistakes and darkest moments, life can start to look like dry ground—lifeless and hopeless. But God’s way of dealing with repentant sinners is nothing like what we expect or deserve: 

For I will pour water on the thirsty land,
and streams on the dry ground;
I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring,
and my blessing on your descendants.
(Isaiah 44:3)

In our own power, we can’t turn the deserts of our lives into lush gardens, but he can. How, then, do we receive these streams of blessing? 

We get off the hamster wheel of mom guilt, with our feeble attempts at control or self-righteousness, and we do the only thing that truly saves us—we go to him. We repent, admit our wrong and turn from our sin, and we walk forward in real freedom, purchased by the sacrifice of his own Son.

For Ephesians 1:7-8 says God forgives our sin “according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us.” The wells of his grace are inexhaustible—better than what we can imagine.

[1] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11133-020-09451-2

[2] Isaiah 40:18

[3] Job 10:12

[4] Colossians 3:17