Helping Children Grieve Loved Ones This Holiday Season
My father died last year, and those first holidays without him loomed large. I knew Christmas, especially, would be hard, and I wished I could just hide away until it was all over. I couldn’t imagine walking into my mother’s home with my arms full of gifts and not seeing him there waiting to greet us.
Grief. You might say, like taxes, it’s one of those guarantees in life. We will lose someone we cherish at some point, if not multiple points in our lives. And when grief cuts in, it’s like a heavy cloud that blocks out all the light. It bears down on us each day. It’s all we can do to keep up with the basics of life. And just when the cloud seems to lift, the holidays come around and, with them, the painful reality that our loved one is not there to celebrate.
Hard Holidays
Holidays, like birthdays and anniversaries, become mile markers in the year, reminding us how long it’s been since our loved one passed. Memories of years past are churned up in our minds: an uncle who always carved the turkey; a sibling who gave the quirkiest gifts; a long-time neighbor who loved to host Christmas parties. Such memories, combined with the painful reality of our loss and deep sorrow, can steal the joy from a season so focused on celebrating the gift of the incarnation. We want to sing and rejoice about the child born to save, yet our hearts are weighed down by such grief we can’t imagine singing, much less celebrating.
This is the painful reality for all of us who have lost loved ones. But what about our children? Perhaps even more than adults, they are tradition-lovers. They count down the days until it’s time to go “over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house.” They look forward to the events, the feasts, the stories, the plays, and, of course, the presents. They talk all year about baking cookies with Nana and stringing lights with Papa. They soak up the candlelight service on Christmas Eve, their faces glowing as they sing Silent Night all dressed in their holiday best. Grief is a reality for them too. How do we help them navigate the loss of a loved one during the holiday season?
Truth to Help Us Grieve with Hope
Grief is a painful reminder that things are not as they should be. As we comfort our children in their sorrows, it is important that we point them to the story of redemption. We can teach them that our loved ones die because of what happened in the Garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve broke God’s command and sin and death entered the world.[1] We can encourage our children that feeling sad about their loss is right and normal, because death is not natural—it’s not how God created things to be.
But there’s good news! God sent his Son, Jesus, to rescue us from sin. Jesus perfectly obeyed God in all things and gave up his life for us at the cross. When we trust in him as our Savior, we have the promise of eternal life where there will be no more grief and sadness, and we will be with God forever.[2] This is our hope. And when our loved ones die knowing Christ, we can rejoice that they are with him in heaven this very day. While we miss them dearly, especially at such a joyous time of year, we know they spend this Christmas with Jesus in person.
Tangible Tools to Remember Those Lost
In addition to training our children’s hearts as they grieve, we can also brainstorm with them practical, tangible ways to remember special people who have died. Whether it is drawing pictures of favorite memories or creating a scrapbook of treasured times with a loved one, such activities help children express their love. While we moms sometimes want to resist remembering because of the pain it produces, such remembrance can help our children process their grief in a healthy way. Doing so also honors the image bearer we’ve lost—a person crafted and known by the Creator before time began.[3]
When you consider the upcoming holidays, what are some creative and hands-on ways you and your children can remember and honor a beloved friend or relative who has died? Here are a few simple ideas:
Leave a seat at the holiday table where your loved one used to sit. Perhaps have your child draw a special placemat for that space, expressing her love and favorite memories.
Participate in a volunteer activity your loved one used to do, in their honor. Be a bell ringer outside a grocery store. Help Samaritan’s Purse pack presents to send overseas. Sing Christmas hymns at the local nursing home. Visit a widow and bring her baked cookies.
Enjoy your loved one’s favorite Christmas activity together, such as watching a Christmas play, ice skating, or baking cookies.
Create a memory jar and jot down favorite Christmas memories of your loved one and toss them in the jar. Throughout the holiday, take turns pulling out the memories and reading them aloud.
Have your child select a small item that once belonged to your loved one and turn it into a Christmas ornament that can be hung on the tree each year.
Plant an evergreen or poinsettia plant in your yard in memory of your loved one.
The ways to honor and remember a loved one are endless. Engage your children in the planning of the activity and ask them to think of ways they would like to honor a loved one. What were their favorite traditions they enjoyed with the person who died? What memories do they cherish? What are some activities you could incorporate into your traditions each year going forward?
My father loved maps and once worked as a mapmaker. Last Christmas, I had heart-shaped ornaments made from a map of where he grew up and lived most of his life and gave one to each member of my family to hang on the tree in memory of him. Cherishing the memories of a loved one, especially during the holidays, helps us grieve well—our children included.
[1] Genesis 3
[2] Revelation 21:3-4
[3] Genesis 1:26; Psalm 139
