How Do I Talk to My Kids about Singleness?
Editor’s Note: While this article primarily centers around talking to children about those who have never been married or feel called to singleness, we acknowledge that, because of the fall, many also experience singleness as a result of death, divorce, abandonment, etc. Talking to children about those circumstances can change the focus of the conversation. If this is your situation, we encourage you to seek out specific counsel and encouragement from those in your own community that better addresses those complexities.
As a child, I took my world of make-believe quite seriously. My pretend kitchen, my dolls with names carefully selected, my “playing house” with friends—all these were important to me as I acted upon God-given instincts to create and nurture life. I had no doubt I would be a wife and mom someday, and my play reflected that. Like me, it’s natural for many kids to mimic moms and dads in their play and assume that marriage will automatically happen in adulthood.
But then there might come a day when our children notice an adult at church or in our extended family who isn’t married and wonder, “Why aren’t they married?” Instead of awkwardly chuckling and saying, “I don’t really know” or “Shh, don’t ask that question,” we can capture this opportunity to talk about the role of singleness in ways that speak gospel truth. While our kids may not comprehend it completely at a young age, speaking positively about singleness will help them to see a fuller picture of how God works through both marriage and singleness. With that in mind, here are three guiding points when approaching the topic of singleness with your kids.
God has different plans for different people’s lives. When questions arise about singleness, we can start by explaining to our kids that not everyone has the same plan for their lives—or the same timeline for those plans. This will point them to the sovereignty of God in lovingly designing plans for his children’s lives.[1] We might say, “Just like Mom and Dad plan special things for our family to do, God plans special things for his people to do. Some of those plans include being married, and some of them include not being married.”
Speaking well of God’s plans for all people shows that his designs are good and not a mistake. We might also use the language of “being on mission” for God. When Jesus came to earth, he came to do the work that the Father gave him, and he did so as a single man.[2] In our lives, God will call us to various tasks to carry out his gospel mission, and sometimes we do that as single people and sometimes as married people. Additionally, these various plans of marriage and singleness work together to serve the church well and put Christ on display.
Marriage is an earthly picture that points to the ultimate unity of Christ and his church. Conversations about singleness can also open the door to talk about the purpose of marriage. We can acknowledge that, while marriage can bring great earthly joy and many blessings, it is primarily a picture of Christ as the bridegroom and the church as his bride. One day in heaven, believers will be fully united with Christ, and the purpose of earthly marriage will be realized in its heavenly completion. “So, will we be married in heaven?” the child may ask. And the answer is no, not to other people.[3] We will instead find our satisfaction in our union with Christ. This means that single people are a picture of what we will all be someday in heaven—the bride of Christ. Thus, both marriage and singleness on earth reveal key aspects of our relationship with Christ, and in both cases, we’re called to find our ultimate fulfillment in Jesus alone.
Singleness is a provided season of growth in our relationship with God. “But isn’t so-and-so sad that she isn’t married?” our child might ask and may indeed feel sad for this single adult. It’s good to acknowledge that sometimes single people are sad that they aren’t married. At other times, they are deeply content and joy-filled, finding great purpose in their calling. Simply getting married doesn’t guarantee happiness. Instead, we can point to what brings even more joy, which is a relationship with Christ. Marriage is not a requirement to be a mature, godly adult, and as we discuss this with our kids, we can point to how singleness can be a unique season of intimacy with Christ and growth in our faith. Without the distraction of a spouse and kids (gifts as they are), a single person can spend more time knowing the Lord, serving him, and being on mission for him.[4]
The best way for our kids to see this in action is to have single adults regularly involved in our family lives. As a single woman myself, my life has been blessed by being “folded into” the lives of dear families from church. One such family has had me regularly babysit their girls since the time they were small, and I now mentor the oldest as she heads into her teen years. This sharing of life together has benefited all of us in multiple ways, and I remember one of the girls asking at the dinner table one time about me being single. Their dad was able to explain that although I wasn’t married, I was able to serve Christ in unique ways in this stage of life. One of those ways is by being another voice of encouragement in their girls’ lives as I support what their parents are teaching them about the gospel and encourage their spiritual growth.
Marriage may be the norm for most of our kids as they grow up, but they will also likely have periods of singleness as an adult. If they hear sound biblical teaching about the role of singleness from a young age, they will be more prepared to receive it as a gift from the Lord. May they learn to draw closer to God in all seasons of life and trust him to use them for his kingdom work, single or married.
[1] Jeremiah 29:11
[2] John 17:4-5; John 5:30
[3] Matthew 22:29-30; Revelation 21:1-2
[4] 1 Corinthians 7:32-34
