Little Moments, Big Calling: Parenting Teens with Hope
It was a wintry Tuesday night. I was driving home at about ten o’clock, dreaming about an hour or so of relaxation before I hit the bed. I silently hoped that for some inexplicable reason, the whole family had gone to sleep at nine o’clock. Or, if they had not gone to bed, I hoped that they would instinctively know that I was tired and not to be disturbed. I was totally exhausted, and I had a right to relax. (You can see that I was approaching the house with a selfless attitude of ministry!)
I quietly opened the door in the vain hope that I could sneak in unnoticed. The living room lights were out, and the house was quiet. I was filled with hope. Maybe my dreams had come true and I would have an evening all to myself!
I had only put one foot in the door when I heard an angry voice. My heart sank! It was the voice of Ethan, my teenage son. He was cursing the fact that he had an older brother who seemed to do nothing but “trash his life.” It was after ten. The issue that started this thing was petty.
I was tempted to tell him to get a grip and deal with it, but another agenda gripped me. Here was one of those unexpected moments of opportunity, one of those mundane moments ordained by a loving and sovereign God in which my teenager’s heart was being exposed. This was God’s moment, a dynamic moment of redemption in which God was continuing the work of rescue he had begun years ago in my son. The only question in the moment was whether I would pursue God’s agenda or my own. Would I believe the gospel in that moment, trusting God to give me what I needed so that I could do what he was calling me to do in my son’s life?
I asked Ethan to sit down at the dining room table and tell me what was going on. He was hurt and angry. His heart was on the table. We talked through his anger, and he became ready to listen. A petty argument with his brother had opened the door to discussing things that were far from petty. God gave me strength and patience. He filled my mouth with the right things to say. Ethan saw himself in new ways that night and confessed to things that he had never before recognized.
It was approaching midnight when I said good night to Ethan. We hugged and went to bed. What had first appeared to be an irritating moment had in fact been a wonderful opportunity of ministry, ordained by a God of love. It became very clear that God wasn’t only working to change Ethan; he was working to change me as well. The selfishness of my heart had been revealed that evening, the same selfishness that causes parents to lash out in anger at the very teens who need them. My need of Christ, too, had been exposed. There was no way I could function as his instrument without his strength.
It was one of those unremarkable moments that happen not only daily but many times a day. Each of these moments is loaded with opportunity. There are many, many more of these moments than the dramatic moments of adolescence—moments involving sex, drugs, and violence—that get so much press. None of us lives constantly in the grand moments of significant decision; there aren’t many of them in life. No, we live in the world of the mundane. This is where we need to see our teenagers with eyes of opportunity rather than eyes of dread and fear.
The argument over the last Pop-Tart, the cry of “nothing to wear” a half hour before school, the report card crumpled in the pocket of jeans heading for the wash, the pouting expression in the face of a parent’s “No,” the third fender bender in a month, the constant words of discontent, the “everybody else does” and the “I’m the only one whose parents make them . . .”—all must be seen as something more than hassles that get in the way of an otherwise enjoyable life. These are the moments God made parents for. You are God’s agent on the watch. You have been given an incredibly high calling. You are God’s instrument of help and preparation as your child makes his or her final steps out of the home and into God’s world.
This is a time of unbridled opportunity. It is not a time to head for the bunkers! It is not a time to dread worst-case scenarios of total domestic chaos. This is not a time to accept a culturally dictated “generation gap.” This is a time to jump into the battle and move toward your teenager. It is a time for engagement, interaction, discussion, and commit-ted relationship. This is not a time to let a teenager hide his doubts, fears, and failures but a time to pursue, love, encourage, teach, forgive, confess, and accept. It is a wonderful time.
We want to approach these important years with hope—not hope in our teenagers or hope in ourselves, but hope in God who is able to do more than anything we could ever ask or imagine as we seize the opportunities he places in our paths. We want to approach these years with a sense of purpose and a sense of calling.
When people ask you what you do, say, “I am the parent of a teenager. It is the most important job I have ever had. Everything else I do for a living is secondary.” Then say, “You know, I have never had a job that is so exciting! I have never had a job that is so full of opportunities. Every day I am needed. Every day I do things that are important, worthwhile, and lasting. I wouldn’t give up this job for anything!”
Excerpt taken from Chapter 1: Age of Opportunity or Season for Survival?, Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens, Revised and Expanded by Paul David Tripp and used by permission.
