Two Truths and a Lie About Pivoting in Motherhood

They say that motherhood changes at least every three months, and I agree. Just about the time we figure out the right rhythm for our infant’s daytime schedule, they drop their morning nap. Just about the time we figure out how to spend long afternoons with a preschooler, they head off to school. Just about the time we get used to working family dinners around early evening practices, basketball season ends. As moms, we learn to specialize in stability and flexibility; we stand in the universal athletic “ready position”—knees bent, prepared to dart or swerve, and hands open to juggle or pass what comes our way. We’re prepared to stick with our kids but also to grow and change.

So why don’t we apply the same thinking to our own commitments? I think in part, it’s because we know faithfulness is a key feature of the Christian life. Christians can be counted on to do the right thing over and over again, even when things are challenging or no one is watching. Christians let their “yes” be “yes” and their “no” be “no.” Christians are supposed to sacrifice and serve, letting go of their wants and needs at times for the sake of others. As Christian moms, we want to embody these things in our families and in our churches, workplaces, and communities. We want to be a good witness by finishing what we start and being there when others need us. 

The problem doesn’t lie in our good desire for faithfulness but in the occasional distortion of what faithfulness looks like, the fear of what fallout might happen if we don’t keep doing what we’ve always done, and the desire to prove our goodness through our achievement and performance. In this, we can find ourselves feeling stuck under the strain of a commitment we signed up for years ago that no longer fits our season of life.

What truths do we tell ourselves when it’s time to pivot?

Truth: You are called to faithfulness.

Faithfulness is good and important because it’s a foundational character quality of God.[1] In the context of our Heavenly Father, “faithful” describes someone we can always count on because he’s all-knowing, ever-present, and all-powerful. He never lies—his words and his ways are unwavering, steady, and wholly reliable.[2] For Christians, faithfulness means that we are steady and reliable too, not because we have that quality in our own strength, but because we are “full of faith.” We can approach our daily circumstances and relationships with commitment and perseverance because we believe that the Lord will provide the grace we need to accomplish the work he has for us to do.[3] 

The question, then, isn’t whether or not we’re called to faithfulness but what we’re called to be faithful to. Though sometimes it feels like everything in our lives holds equal importance and demands equal loyalty, that’s not the case. We’re limited creatures. There’s a hierarchy for our faithfulness, and God sits at the top. First and foremost, we should be faithful to him and his Word. But as an outflow of that, he’s called us to faithfulness in other spheres—Christians are called to be faithful to the body of Christ, being good stewards of the gifts they’ve been given. Christian moms are called to love and faithfully raise their earthly families. Christians should be faithful workers and neighbors. It’s the “how” of this faithfulness that will play itself out differently from season to season and mom to mom.

Truth: It’s okay to pivot and change your commitments.

Have you ever zoomed so far into a picture that it became unrecognizable? When you focus too hard on one small spot and don’t consider the broader picture, you make incorrect judgment calls about what you're looking at. Sometimes this happens to us in life when we’re considering our commitments. When we look at our roles and responsibilities, each thing can feel very big and important in and of itself. It can feel like we could never stop hosting that monthly book club or we could never set up a meeting with our boss to talk about moving to part-time hours. It can feel like taking a semester off of women’s Bible study would send the wrong message or that opting out of the school party volunteer list is shirking our responsibilities. But what if you zoom out and consider faithfulness more broadly? Does your perspective change?

Take Jesus, for example. If you just look at the small daily decisions of his life, some might be tempted to call him unfaithful. After all, some people in the locations he visited wanted to hear more of Jesus’s sermons or wanted Jesus to heal more people before he left, but for him, faithfulness to God meant moving on to the next place. Jesus made Spirit-led judgment calls with his greater mission in mind, not necessarily filling every need or request in front of him each moment.[4] This can be true for us, too. As we spend time in prayer over our commitments and in conversations with our husbands and those who know us well, we can follow the Spirit’s lead by faith and make changes. While we don’t want to be wishy-washy or unreliable, it’s possible to pivot graciously from a heart that cares about our broader mission as a Christian, wife, mom, church member, neighbor, or worker.

Lie: Changing or ending a commitment means you’re being unfaithful.

In light of those truths, ending or pivoting from a commitment does not necessarily mean you’re being unfaithful. You might let some people down, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re letting God or your most important priorities down. In fact, it might mean just the opposite, if the changes help you further prioritize the Lord and those in your closest sphere of care. Perhaps by graciously letting your book club know you can only host two more months, you’re making more space for your marriage. Perhaps by taking some time off of your formal women’s Bible study group, you’re freeing up hours in the day to care for your child’s increasing medical needs. Perhaps by moving to part-time hours—though you love your job—you’re building more capacity to take on an additional foster care placement. While we shouldn’t quit our commitments on a bad day or give up because we lack faith in God’s ability to grow our capacity and supply our needs, we can prayerfully and graciously pivot from our commitments as the Lord leads.

Stand Firm (and Flexible)

So what does it look like to have the ready stance of both stability and flexibility with our commitments? It looks like periodically evaluating the things we’re spending our time on and considering if those things should still have our time in the season of motherhood we’re in right now. It looks like letting our “no” to one thing become a “yes” to a different area of faithfulness. By all means, we should be thoughtful and considerate about the timing with which we make changes (for instance, if you’re in a long-term sub position that just has two more days, you can probably just ride that out instead of calling in to quit the morning you feel like this isn’t working so well anymore). And we want to love others well as we pivot and make changes (by answering questions and giving people time to process and fill our position when possible), but those things can be worked through as we make changes to our commitments in the future.

The Lord is faithful to us, and, with the Spirit’s help, we ought to be full of faith in our relationship with him and be a reliable, steady witness for him in the lives of others. But this doesn’t mean we have to continue in the same commitments and responsibilities we’ve always had. There’s freedom to stand firm on one leg and pivot with the other.

[1] Exodus 34:6-7

[2] Numbers 23:19; Luke 1:37

[3] Hebrews 10:39–11:1

[4] John 6:38; Philippians 2:8