A Letter for the Letting-Go Years
Dear Mom,
Transitions are tricky. I have been through many of them in my life—marriage, a child, then two and then three children, retirement, aging, becoming a widow. I launched our three children into the world and then watched them let go of our twelve grandchildren. I’m still not qualified to tell you how to navigate this particular season of motherhood, but I pray the Holy Spirit will use this letter to encourage you to cling to your Savior as you let go of your child.
We are products of our theology. What we know about God will determine whether we flounder or flourish during transitions like these:
“The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until full day” (Prov. 4:18).
“The righteous flourish like the palm tree . . . They are planted in the house of the LORD; they flourish in the courts of our God. They still bear fruit in old age . . .” (Psalm 92:12-15).
At age 83, I can testify to this forward movement of the gospel in our lives. My eyesight is weaker, but the path is brighter. My body is weaker, but my spirit flourishes. Because of God’s persevering grace, I know him better today than I did yesterday. In every transition I’ve faced as a mom, God never changed—but I continually change as I increasingly experience the reality of his presence. The biggest transition that determines our response to every transition is: “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30).
This season of motherhood is fraught with unknowns. Yet, I encourage you to meditate on what you do know and reflect on the opportunities before you.
God created us for his glory.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world . . . to the praise of his glorious grace” (Eph. 1:3-6).
Our identity is not in our various roles or in our children’s success but in our triune God. We are his image-bearers created to reflect his glorious grace. The Westminster Shorter Catechism succinctly states, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.” This brilliant statement clarifies and simplifies life, even as our children leave the nest. Each morning, I’ve made it a practice to pray, “Lord, show me how to glorify and enjoy you in whatever you ordain for me today.” Dear mom, I encourage you too: ask the Lord to empower you to glorify and enjoy him in this letting-go season.
We are to glorify God in our marriage.
In preparation for this change in your parental role, talk and pray with your husband if you’re married. Take his hand and say, “‘Magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together!’ (Ps. 34:3) as we transition to this new season of parenting. Let’s help one another navigate this change with grace.”
Prayerfully consider—together and individually—how you will re-allocate your time as daily responsibilities for your kids wind down. Ask the Lord to show you where and how he wants you to share your gifts and graces with others. Consider spiritually mothering young moms, spending more time caring for aging parents, going on mission trips together, or discipling young couples.
Agree together how you will relate to your child—who is now an adult. (For example, if you are still paying some or all of his bills, what accountability will you expect from him?) Entrust your child to Jesus and communicate with her with grace. The primary teaching time is past, but consider the words of the psalmist:
“You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great. You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip” (Psalm 18:35-36).
Support . . . gentleness . . . wide place. These can characterize our role with our kids in the letting-go season.
Two realities I must mention: you may be a single mom, or you may be experiencing alienation from a child who is walking in disobedience. This adds to the pain of letting go. I pray the next three “things you know” will comfort and strengthen you.
As God’s beloved children, we have access to his throne of grace.
During our children’s teen years, a friend told me about praying Scripture for her son. I was immediately convicted. I realized I prayed about our children’s behavior and not their hearts. So, I asked the Lord to teach me to pray.
My heart was drawn to Paul’s prayer in Ephesians 3:14-21. For almost four decades now, I have prayed this passage for those the Lord entrusted to my husband and me. The list has grown as our children married, then had children. I don’t want my prayers to be limited by what I can imagine, so I ask the Lord to do “far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us” (v. 20).
I trust God and not myself, so I pray for his kingdom to come and his will to be done in their hearts (Matt. 6:10). As I pray Scripture, I see more of the bigness and hope of the gospel. My imagination and my joy soar as I think about him answering in his way and his time for each of the people I hold before him.
No matter what choices your children make out on their own, cling to what you know about God. Our actions as moms do profoundly shape our children’s lives, so we want to continue taking responsibility, seeking forgiveness for our mistakes, and remaining humble to grow. Yet, we are not ultimately responsible for our children’s wrong choices, and we cannot change their hearts—but we can prayerfully entrust them to the Lord, who proved his love by giving his Child to die in our place.
God has given us outward means of grace—his Word, prayer, worship, sacraments, and fellowship.
Ask the Holy Spirit to use these outward means of grace to strengthen your inner being during this transition—that you might grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus. The Lord has given us himself and adopted us into his family. Cultivate gospel friendships with those who will pray with and for you and your child. Seek the wisdom and prayers of spiritual mothers who are ahead of you in parenting. This will be especially important when your child goes through hard places.
The Lord is writing your story and your child’s story, and he has not finished either one.
When a mom shares her grief about hard things in her grown child’s life, I listen and then say, “I am sad with you. Your focus is on your child, but I see what the Lord is doing in you. I see you grieving but not as one without hope. I see you trusting him. I see you growing in him as he writes his story of grace in you, and I pray he will give you grace to trust him to accomplish his good plan in your child’s life.”
Recently, a grandchild asked what I would change if I could rewrite my story. My response: “Nothing, because it took, and is taking, everything—the times of rejoicing and the times of weeping—to accomplish God’s purpose. Nothing is random. Nothing is wasted. God ordains it all for his glory and my good. Jesus writes long stories. They are good stories. They are redemptive stories.”
For God’s Glory,
Susan Hunt
Capturing the Moment:
Below are a few prompts from the author for activities that might be especially meaningful in this season or memories that she appreciates now, looking back. We hope these serve as a helpful springboard as you prayerfully consider how to “number your days” (Ps. 90:12) and make the most of the moments God gives:
Memorizing Scripture. Early in our marriage, we selected two Scripture verses as our family verses and recited them often. Now, I continue this tradition whenever my children and grandchildren gather in our home.
Staying Connected. We have a family group text. Every morning, I send a Bible verse to our children and grandchildren, and I pray that the Lord will apply it to their hearts. This also serves to keep us connected to each other.
Prioritizing Prayer. In the beginning of my letting-go season, I was quick to give my opinion. Slowly, I realized this shut down meaningful conversations. Instead, I began to say, “I will pray for you to have wisdom to know how to glorify God, and I am confident you will do the right thing.” It’s interesting that my children and grandchildren seem to talk to me more. My husband’s strategy was profoundly simple; he quoted Romans 8:28 and then said, “Let’s pray.” He has been in heaven almost four years, but that memory is still fresh for all of us.
Cultivating Community. I meet with a group of empty-nester moms. Each month, they pair up and pray for each other’s children. They write the names on a card and pray throughout that month.
