Facing the False Guilt of Infertility
Next to sleep disruption and socks disappearing in the wash, mom guilt might be one of the most universal experiences of motherhood. Every mom I know has felt that gnawing sense of blame in some way. Whether it’s yelling at our kids or serving them chips instead of whole-grain non-GMO crackers, we assume we’ve failed even if the failure is minor or not really our fault.
While it’s common to feel a sense of self-condemnation like this in motherhood, waiting for motherhood can also bring us unique experiences of shame and false guilt. When a woman can’t get pregnant or miscarries, she might start to wonder if she did something wrong. Perhaps she waited too long to get married, and now her reproductive window has closed. Or she imagines she wouldn’t be a good mom, so God chose not to give her a baby. If only she had exercised less, dieted more, or taken the prenatal vitamins earlier, she might have sustained a pregnancy.
I too wrestled with infertility shame over several heart-crushing years. At first I didn’t know anyone else who was struggling to get pregnant. Lacking friends and answers, I came to believe that either my body was defective or I wasn’t trusting God enough. Unfortunately, going to church added to my misery. I saw all the women with baby bumps and heard about the activities planned for mothers, then thought, “I don’t belong here.” Instead of mom guilt, I felt not-a-mom guilt.
Friend, I’m sorry if you too are going through primary or secondary infertility or miscarriage. These are heavy trials that touch every aspect of our lives. As the grief swells, remember you can bring your tears to the Lord. He is a refuge for those of us who weep like Hannah.[1]
Turning to Scripture is our best defense against the shame that can accompany trying to conceive. Even if infertility and miscarriage aren’t part of your story, though, you can still apply the same biblical truths to your experiences within the context of motherhood.
Multiplied Sorrows
Genesis 3 explains the origin of fertility struggles. After Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree, God issued specific consequences for their disobedience. He told Eve, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children” (Genesis 3:16a). We might read this and immediately think of labor and delivery, which is true but includes more. “Pain in childbearing” refers to both physical and emotional distress or sorrow.[2] The sorrow is multiplied, spanning the many intricate details that go into conceiving, carrying, birthing, and raising a child.
This means that infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy complications, menstrual disorders, and related problems are results of the fall. Just as with other medical issues, there might be steps we can take or things we can avoid to better our health. But, at the end of the day, many reproductive problems and biological conditions lie outside of our control.
The fall left women a legacy of sorrow surrounding pregnancy. Because sin entered our world, our wombs may not work as expected and our hearts know loss. But though the sadness and shame can feel overwhelming, we have something much more powerful to cling to—the hope of the gospel.
Shame Conquered
God loved us too much to leave us alone in our suffering, so he sent Christ to be our substitute—to bear sin’s penalty. “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21). Christ went to the cross willingly, despising its shame, and died for the joy of rescuing his people.[3] While shame tells us, “Sin is on you,” Jesus assures us, “Sin is on me.” Through his sacrifice, we have peace with God, guaranteed salvation, and freedom to live by the Spirit[4]—even in our deepest struggles.
This was God’s plan from the beginning. The Serpent would cause grief for Eve and her offspring, but God provided his Son to crush the Serpent’s head.[5] Think about how Christ started his earthly mission—through a woman’s womb. By entering our world, Jesus not only redeemed us; he also redeemed the sorrows of childbearing. Although we still feel the effects of sin, we know shame has no claim on us. We’re free women covered by Christ. “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed” (1 Peter 2:24). We are no longer condemned—by our sin, our suffering, or our sorrows.[6]
Hope in Heartache
Remembering the gospel helps us brave the fallouts of infertility. When another cycle ends in disappointment, we can grieve the brokenness of the fall that tarnished God’s beautiful design for pregnancy. When we’re waiting for test results, we can give our cares to the One who became cursed to save us. When the doctor can’t find a heartbeat, we can hold onto the promise of a future when Jesus will restore all we lost and dry all our tears. When the false guilt we feel about not being a mom makes us feel alone and ashamed, we can ask the Spirit for reassurance that we belong to our heavenly Father.
Shame can be a stubborn foe. As author and counselor Edward Welch writes, “Shame will never surrender its power over you if you are tentative about it. You need to identify it and attack it with hope.”[7] We need to let resurrection hope, not shame, shape how we view ourselves.
For a practical way to fight shame, try this exercise. Get a piece of paper and draw two columns. At the top of the first column, write “Shame says . . .” Journal about the ways you feel shame. For example, “My body is broken.” Then at the top of the second column, write “God says . . . ” List several Bible verses that describe God’s character, what Jesus did for you, and how his finished work affects your life. I recommend starting with Romans 8:1. Doing this can help you name the lies of shame and dwell on truth instead.
Whether you’re waiting to become a mom, longing for another child, or have your arms full, Jesus gives you shame-defying hope. Let’s trade our feelings of guilt for the grace that sustains us through every failure and heartache.
[1] 1 Samuel 1:1-16
[2] Matthew Henry commentary on Genesis 3, accessed at https://www.blueletterbible.org/Comm/mhc/Gen/Gen_003.cfm?a=3015.
[3] Hebrews 12:2
[4] Romans 8:2
[5] Genesis 3:15
[6] Isaiah 54:4; Romans 8:1; Romans 10:11; 2 Timothy 1:12; 1 Peter 2:6; 1 Peter 4:16
[7] Edward Welch, Shame Interrupted (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2012), 17.
Disclaimer: Infertility and miscarriage can lead to or worsen depression and anxiety. Consider if it would be wise to see a licensed professional counselor. You can also find help by connecting with a biblically based support group. Visit Waiting in Hope Ministries for more information.
