Going First: Cultivating Community Within the Church

I stuck my hand out and offered a handshake to a family I’d never seen at church before. They had two little kids, and we exchanged names and hellos.

“How long have you been attending here?” I asked.

“About five months.”

I tamped down my surprise. As a pastor’s wife at a large church with two services, it wasn’t uncommon for it to take a while to meet a new family—but somehow, I’d managed to miss meeting them for nearly half a year.

“We’re not really plugged in yet,” the wife shrugged.

I nodded knowingly. This was a conversation I’d had multiple times over the years with many families, and one I knew well myself in past seasons. And as my husband gets ready to plant a new church, we’ll be starting the journey of cultivating community all over again.

It can feel exhausting to be the new person at church, especially when you’re hungry for connection but don’t know how to find it. As a mom, you’re also often trying to shepherd your children’s hearts, wanting to help them feel at home at church, whether they’re five or fifteen. 

What I’ve found—both as a church attendee and pastor’s wife—is that I usually have to go first in creating the community I long for. Meaningful connection and spiritual growth won’t just happen by walking through the church doors; I’ve had to pursue it for myself and for my children every single time. The good news is that it’s always been worth it. Here are three ways I’ve found to help cultivate community in this sacred place:

1. Deal with the fear of rejection by embracing your identity in Christ.

Many of our hindrances to experiencing community in our local church stem from the fear of being rejected. We don’t know if the established moms at the church will like us, if we’ll fit in, or if our story will be too much for them to handle. 

But the truth is that the head of the church—Christ Jesus himself—has already accepted you as his daughter. You are loved by the Lord,[1] called according to his purpose,[2] and created to do good works for him.[3] There is always a place for you in the church—because you are God’s child.

And not only is there a place for you in the church—the body of Christ actually needs you to play your part! It doesn’t matter if you’re in a season with littles, middles, or older kids—the Word declares that each of us have a role to play in the functioning of the church: “Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it” (1 Corinthians 12:27). Regardless of life season, your place in the church is important and precious. 

Don’t let fear keep you from the gift of connecting to and being part of the body; choose to believe and rehearse the truth about your identity in Christ and your place among his people.

2. Connect your heart to others by studying the Word alongside them.

Not long ago, in a five-and-a-half-year timespan, our family moved four times. A combination of graduate school, health issues, and job opportunities led to a move to a different state roughly every eighteen months. And each time, our family found ourselves walking through the doors of a new church, longing for community and friendship. 

What helped me connect deeply to other women—every time—was joining a small group or Bible study. Yes, it can feel vulnerable to sign up for a group when you’re the new gal around the table. But in the church, we are called to “welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God” (Romans 15:7). While this won’t always happen perfectly, we won’t have the opportunity to be welcomed—or to welcome new friends in Christ—if we don’t take the risk in the first place. 

So, when you’re the new mom—or a currently disconnected mom—take the initiative to join a Bible study or small group. There is no clearer way to knit our hearts with other believers than to study and worship the One who brings us together in the first place!  Christ himself prayed “for those who will believe in me . . .  that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you” (John 17:20-21).

The added gift of joining a Bible study or small group is that there is usually an opportunity for younger children to play together during that time. This builds a sense of connection and welcome for our children too when they have friends they spend special time with at church.

3. Serve fellow moms with the love of Christ—and practical help.

Other mothers in your church are probably also hungry for community, but until someone takes initiative, often nothing happens—and the opportunity for connection is missed. So be willing to go first in making the effort.

If, for example, your local church doesn’t have a small group or Bible Study option, consider asking your pastor if you can start or facilitate one! You don’t need to start from scratch; there are many, many Bible studies that are “open and go” and don’t require a theology degree or a lot of pre-study to lead. 

Less formally, choose to be a connector. As moms in the church, we have many opportunities to love our fellow sisters in Christ and be the hands and feet of Jesus to one another.[4] Think of what you have longed for in your own journey of motherhood—meals when a new baby joins the family, help with getting groceries and childcare in seasons of sickness, prayer when you’ve felt overwhelmed or alone. Every week, we have the chance to serve other moms in our church similarly—coordinating Meal Trains, babysitting during a doctor’s appointment, or starting a prayer text thread. And while there is sacrifice involved, there is also great joy, for service opens the door for connection and love.

There’s no silver bullet for growing closer to moms in the local church, but there are multiple opportunities to help facilitate the type of community we long for—if we’re willing to take the vulnerable first steps. Rich biblical community won’t happen overnight, but one step at a time, it will begin to grow in beautiful and profound ways that can last for years to come.

[1] 1 John 4:10

[2] Romans 8:28

[3] Ephesians 2:10

[4] See Galatians 5:13-14, Romans 15:2