Parenting Children Different from You

I can still feel the knots in my stomach and the heat rise on my cheeks from “the look” my mom would send my direction when I disobeyed as a child. That one piercing stare was all she needed for me to feel instant remorse and change my actions. I was always the child terrified of getting in trouble and, to this day, still struggle with correction. 

Now, as a mom of four (and three rambunctious boys at that), I’ve had a fair amount of time to master “the look.” I can whip my head around, narrow my eyes, suck in my breath, and non-verbally communicate my disapproval . . . or so I thought. However, for one of my sons in particular, “the look” seems powerless. I can glare in his direction and he may simply smile, carry on unaffected, and even wonder why I seem so upset. He’s rarely phased by getting in trouble and seems to thrive on attention, both negative and positive. We are different, to say the least. 

Scripture is clear that God made each one of us unique. The psalmist writes:

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. (Psalm 139:13-15)

We are “knitted together” and “intricately woven” by our Creator. This means we don’t just respond to correction differently, but we have different interests, preferences for how we like to receive love, processing methods, and perspectives. We are all different.

So how do we, as moms, learn to wisely parent children who are vastly different from us? As always, Scripture serves as our guide.

We Recognize Their Unique Gifts

The same son who seems so unphased by “the look” is the son who thrives on helping and encouraging others. He loves to serve and often does so energetically, joyfully, and willingly. One of my favorite parts of the week is walking him to his Pre-K class and watching his eyes light up as he eagerly greets each friend. 

This isn’t something I taught him to do, but instead, it’s a small piece of who he is and the way he sees people God has placed around him. I’m an introvert by nature, but the Lord has used my son’s servant’s heart and joyful greetings to refine and encourage me in these areas.

Our children have all been given unique talents, personalities, and strengths. Part of discipleship in parenting is recognizing these and encouraging our children to develop and use them for God’s glory. As they mature in their faith, we can help them connect their specific gifts and skills to service in the church, for the building up of other believers and spread of the gospel.[1]

We Meet Them Where They Are

My oldest son loves all things sports. It was months into the school year before I figured out that if I wanted him to open up, I needed to join him in the things he loves. He will tell me way more about his day while we are playing catch with a small foam football in the house (I got rid of all the breakables years ago!) than if I simply ask him questions. There’s something about throwing the ball back and forth that relaxes him, gives his energy an outlet, and helps him to open up. 

When our children are different than us, we can meet them where they are. Do I love playing catch for extended periods? Not really. But do I love hearing details about my son's day and helping him process different situations? So much!

Jesus was the ultimate model of this. At the beginning of his earthly ministry, we see how he went to specific places to call the disciples to follow him. He met Simon Peter, Andrew, James, and John along the Sea of Galilee, where they worked as skillful fishermen.[2] Matthew was a tax collector, so Jesus went to the tax booth.[3] Jesus knew where they would be and chose to meet them there—and even though he led them into new callings, their specific skills and interests were still a part of his own gospel ministry.[4]

So too, when it comes to parenting children different than us, meeting them in the places they like to go and doing the things they like to do goes a long way in making connections and furthering the relationship.

We Pursue Christ Above All 

Lastly, in Galatians, Paul writes, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20).

As moms, God might call us to do things that are uncomfortable or don’t come naturally to us as we show love to our children. We might need to surrender our schedules, desires, comforts, and more to better connect with our children. Paul helps us see that, in following Christ’s example, we do this because we want to reach them where they are and disciple them in Christ. One of the greatest ways we can love our children who are different from us is by daily choosing grace, understanding, and compassion. 

We were created in the image of God,[5] and as image bearers, we seek to look like Christ, including in our parenting. God created and understands our children, even when we don’t. As we pursue Christlikeness—rather than trying to conform our kids to our image—God helps us to see them as he does. This changes everything.

My son and I will always be different and “the look” may never work on him, but because of Christ, I can trust that this relationship will grow and sanctify my own heart. And I can wisely parent my precious, unique child and point him to Jesus day by day.

[1] For more on spiritual gifts among believers and the ways God uses them to strengthen the church, check out Romans 12:3-13, 1 Corinthians 12, Ephesians 4:1-16, and 1 Peter 4:10-11.

[2] Mark 1:16-20

[3] Matthew 9:9

[4] For example, fish/fishing and the sea factor into many of Christ’s miracles (see Luke 5:1-11, Matt. 14:22-33, John 21:3-14, Mark 6:30-44, among others), and he calls his disciples to be “fishers of men.” Matthew’s gospel also talks in detail about money and stewardship—noteworthy given its author was once a tax collector!

[5] Genesis 1:27