Ten Phrases for the Teenage Years

I pride myself on being prepared. You would laugh at the number of things I carry "just in case." Tide to Go sticks, safety pins, scissors, granola bars, at least two books, and a Sharpie are staples in my purse (which is a backpack weighing several pounds). But to be honest, nothing can fully prepare you for parenting through the teenage years. I don't say that as a doomsday prophet, as we have truly found these years to be delightful in many ways; rather, I say it as honestly and helpfully as I can.

Something about the widening world of teenagers and the narrowing illusion of control as parents sends our souls into a whole new land of deepening dependence. Thankfully, the growing powerlessness we feel can lead us to pray and cling to God's promises all the more earnestly. 

The following ten phrases circulate through my heart and our household regularly. They are serving as signposts as we pass through these uncharted years with our teens. 

1. The Future Isn't Fragile. 

The wild unknowns of life beyond high school can create a pressure cooker. It is easy to begin to buy the lie that the future is fragile and can be thrown off by a poor grade or an off day as an athlete or one-too-few AP tests. But God has not given us a spirit of fear but one of power and love and a sound mind.[1] Our God stands outside of time, holds our days in his love-scarred hands, and steers the future towards his good purposes.[2] For the believer, the future is as solid as our Savior. 

2. Smooth seas don't make strong sailors. 

As a mother, I hate to see a soul storm, a circumstantial squall, or an emotional hurricane rip through my sons' lives. When they were young, I was able to offer solutions to most of their small storms. But, as they grow older and their storms grow larger, I find myself just as powerless as them. In those moments, I remind myself that God makes men through trial, tribulation, opposition, and failure. God never promised us a walk through the park; rather, he assured us not only that we would see much trouble in this life but also that he has already overcome the world.[3] “Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all” (Psalm 34:19).

3. There is nothing you do alone. 

When my children were young, I was able to accompany them most places. As they grow, I accompany them less and less; however, that does not leave them alone. My children follow Christ, which means that the Third Person of the Trinity literally keeps them in constant company.[4] Through the Spirit, God fulfills his promise to be with his people always, even to the end of the age.[5] 

4. God deals directly with his children. 

God doesn't have grandchildren. In these teenage years, I have to remind myself weekly that my children are mine on loan. As my role in their life moves from a central to more peripheral role, I struggle with releasing my children and continually entrusting them to the One to whom they ultimately answer. I want to interject my plans, my desires, and my designs for their lives. The Lord has to continually remind me that, while I am the parent, he is the Potter.[6]

5. He writes stories not formulas. 

Beware of those selling simple formulas that don't fit the complexity of the experience or suit the depth of a soul. Our God writes stories that are as unique and nuanced as his people. Formulas tighten us and train us in a transactional view of God. Stories lead us to humbly submit to a God whose ways are not our ways, whose thoughts are higher than our thoughts.[7] The stories God is writing in our teens' lives—like all good stories—will include moments of trial, conflict, mystery, and tension. His stories may not be simple, but, in the end, they are deeply satisfying.

6. You can't judge a story that isn't over. 

The teenage years trend toward extreme feelings and statements: this is the worst, this is the best, everything is ruined, everything is perfect. It takes work to teach our children to stay in the story that is unfolding rather than seek to stamp judgment on it, either for good or ill. But let’s remind them that he who began a good work in them will carry it towards completion.[8] 

7. Everything looks better bathed in new morning mercies. 

Some days in the teenage years feel like decades (not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually). The good days are glorious, but the hard days are harrowing. Sometimes, the best thing we can offer our teens is a quiet room and a pillow. Everything looks better when the brain and body have taken their God-given, God-ideated hours of sleep. New mercies await us all in the morning.[9] 

8. There is no growth without discomfort. 

Just as they didn't get those awkward, lanky legs without growing pains, our teens’ souls won't stretch without some discomfort. When my boys are suffering or simply being stretched, I empathetically ache with them; however, I would be stealing from them to take away any discomfort God intends for them. "Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" (Romans 5:3–5).

9. Pleasure is a by-product of purpose and presence. 

The world tells our teens to chase pleasure: YOLO; the world is your oyster; these are the days. It is counter-cultural but well-proven that chasing pleasure is a sure-fire way to kill it. Pleasure is a by-product of a life of purpose and presence. When we seek first the kingdom of God, all we need is added unto us. We don't need to chase like the world; we need to follow God's Word and his ways.[10] "In [God's] presence there is fullness of joy; at [his] right hand are pleasures forevermore" (Psalm 16:11). Seek him and his presence, and pleasures are sure to come. My persistent prayer for my boys is that they would have a purpose beyond their own pleasure.

10.Sometimes the best thing you can offer is a question. 

The proverbs wisely tell us that the heart of a man is like deep waters (and the heart of a teenager feels like the Mariana Trench). But a “man of understanding” can help draw a person out (Proverbs 20:5). As much as I want to offer answers, often the best thing I can give my kids during these years are evocative, earnest, and empathetic questions. 

The teenage years provide an opportunity for our children to mature in decision-making while still remaining under our loving authority. Often, teenagers are moving from renting to owning convictions. So, when we ask questions like “What do you think is wise in this situation?” rather than quickly offering solutions first, we’re giving them the scaffolding to think through and apply biblical truth for themselves.

These ten phrases and their undergirding Scriptural promises will by no means prepare you for everything to come in the teenage years. But, perhaps, they will serve as signposts, pointing you and your kids to God as you journey together through the deep yet deeply beautiful unknown.

[1] 2 Timothy 1:6–7

[2] Psalm 31:15; Romans 8:28–32

[3] John 16:33

[4] John 14:15–26

[5] Matthew 28:20

[6] Isaiah 64:8; Jeremiah 18:1–4

[7] Isaiah 55:8–9

[8] Philippians 1:6

[9] Lamentations 3:21–24

[10] Matthew 6:32–33