Wife and Momma, Be Angry and Do Not Sin
Editor’s Note: This article addresses struggles and tensions that can arise, even in otherwise "healthy" marriages. Its encouragements are best read with discernment and consideration of your unique situation. If abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual) or other illegal or illicit behavior is occurring in your marriage, please tell someone and reach out for counsel and/or professional intervention. For resources and information related to struggles in marriage and crisis situations, please check out our Suffering & Loss Resources and Moms in Crisis pages.
I remember the day I prayed for my marriage almost every hour on the hour. My knees were bent—not by some impulse to intercede for my husband but—by the weight of my anger against him.
He had offended and left me feeling dishonored. From my perspective, the situation demanded nothing but pure justice. So I delivered my argument with, what I called, “righteous anger.” He listened, he conceded, he confessed his sin, he apologized, he prayed. And still, my blood boiled.
My just indignation had morphed into something that threatened to swallow me whole. The case wasn’t as pure as I presented it. My motives were mixed. Yes, I wanted to see my husband repent—but I also wanted revenge, and my artillery was anger.
I prayed hourly that day because I had but two choices: give into the fury and drown, or swim through it by prayer.
Our household interactions can spark strong emotions and anger is high on the list. Whether it’s a disinterested husband or a defiant child, living with other sinners proves the old axiom: “those we love the most, we hurt the most.” We respond heatedly to the offenses of our family members, and Christian wives and mommas are not exempt from these outbursts. So what should we do in those moments? How can a Christian wife and mother be angry without sinning?
Let’s begin by praising God for his word and its warning against sinful anger that crouches at the doors of our hearts.[1] The next time this rage seeks to drag me away, I hope to pray at least two truths:
Lord, please help me to be angry without sinning.
Being angry, in itself, isn’t automatically sinful. Jesus, in John 2:13–17, displays a righteous anger, fueled by his zeal for God’s justice and holiness. In Christ, we learn at least two things: one, Christian hatred of sin is right; and two, we can express anger without transgressing. This, in fact, is what the Apostle Paul tells the church at Ephesus.
Paul writes to encourage unity in the Ephesian church. Chapter four of the letter begins with a strong command: “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called...bearing with one another in love” (Eph. 4:1–2). Love is mentioned throughout the chapter and serves as a foundation for the charge: “Be angry and do not sin” (Eph. 4:26). Love, then, is not the absence of anger. Why? Because genuine love hates evil and clings to good.[2]
A household (whether a church or a family) “created in the likeness of God” will love what God loves and hate what God hates (Eph. 4:24). This means we don’t minimize sin in our homes or avoid challenging conversations for the sake of some “false peace.”[3] On the contrary, we call sinners to repentance (see Ephesians 4:28), confess our own offenses, and address harm done to us by others in our family. We express hard truths to one another in love.[4]
Wives—guided by wisdom and respect—will speak honestly with husbands when sin seeks to separate. And mothers will faithfully encourage, train, and admonish little ones from wrongdoing. In all this, we pray for the grace to know when evil in our hearts and homes demands a thoughtful and holy anger fueled by love for God and each other.
Lord, please help me to desire repentance over revenge.
Righteous anger, driven by love, may be appropriate, but our sin nature can muddle the purity of our intentions. It’s easy to mix anger with sin.
For instance, a mother might be legitimately upset with the habitual lies of her child. Perhaps she remembers the ninth commandment to “not bear false witness against your neighbor,” (Ex. 20:16) and is eager for her kid’s heart to obey the Lord. At the same time, her anxiety grows as she imagines how her child’s fabrications might reflect on her at church and on playdates. Her commitment to correct can become more self-centered than God-centered. And just because she’s bothered doesn’t mean she truly hates what God hates.
We need God’s grace to examine our hearts, which are prone to ulterior motives. Fallen wives and mommas can combine a just cause with our own idolatries and cook up grudges against our husbands and children. We give an “opportunity to the devil” when we feed and grow our resentment (Eph. 4:27). The crouching anger pounces and drags us from the light of repentance into the darkness of revenge seeking.
The nature of our anger is exposed by what brings appeasement: repentance or payback? If Christ has offered the ultimate satisfaction for sin, then we long for true repentance over retribution. Jesus tells his disciples in Luke 17:3, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” These words embody the gospel that welcomes broken sinners—remembering that our own Spirit-enabled repentance brings peace with the Father through the Son. Christian mommas need God’s grace to receive our husband’s contrition and our child’s apologies with tender-hearted forgiveness over lingering bitterness, anger, and clamor.[5] After all, she who is forgiven much, forgives and loves much.[6]
Sisters, evil should make us angry—but not every occasion demands a display of anger. Our first obligation is to pray for our hearts, speak the truth, pray for the repentance of our loved one, keep the door for reconciliation open, and love through forgiveness—not just anger.
[1] Genesis 4:6-7.
[2] Romans 12:9.
[3] Ephesians 4:25.
[4] Ephesians 4:15-16; 25.
[5] Ephesians 4:30-31.
[6] Luke 7:41-47
