Making Big Decisions Together
I never (EVER) thought I would be a home-educating mama. Coming to this decision as a married couple took time. Our beliefs about education were not one hundred percent in agreement, and there were many difficult and honest conversations along the way. Like any big decision, it was not clear, easy, or fast. In fact, I had many sleepless nights trying to silence my fears. Praise God he didn’t leave me to drown in my fears of the big decision we were facing. He was calling me out of my fears and insecurities, and into a deeper reliance on Him.
Looking back over the past 17 years of our marriage, Ryan and I have had to make more than our fair share of big, life-changing decisions. I wouldn’t say that big decision-making gets easier, but the path to those decisions has become well-worn and familiar.
Whatever big decision you might be facing as a couple, I would encourage you to do something we like to call “bring it to the table.” This means both spouses are free and safe to voice fears, concerns and/or excitement about a decision, all the while keeping an open hands, open heart approach while the decision is on the table. It also means seeking wisdom, unity, and transparency.
Applying Wisdom
The first way we can bring a big decision to the table is through constant and consistent prayer.[1] By laying our desires, thoughts, feelings, and fears humbly down before God, we relinquish control.
It’s not easy, but it’s necessary for us to be able to discern and allow the Holy Spirit room to do what only he can do: counsel the deepest parts of us that drive our desires. We all have blindspots, and our God is so good to bring light to desires that might not be the best drivers for the big decision we will ultimately make.
Proverbs 8:25–30 gives the metaphor of wisdom being at the side of God like a master workman in the beginning when he created the heavens and the earth. Why wouldn’t we seek wisdom in making big decisions? Daily scripture reading and submitting to it’s authority and instruction is one way we can apply wisdom in making a big decision.
Whether the decision is yay, nay, or something we hadn’t even considered before—bringing it to God can be a rich, and unifying experience.
Finding Unity
Finding not only common ground, but actual unity with your spouse around big decisions is not easy. It often means examining fundamental, and possibly even different, beliefs you and your spouse might have around the decision.
If you’re finding it difficult to agree and be unified about a big decision, consider setting a time frame and giving one of the decision options a good try.
For example, maybe the big decision for you and your spouse is whether or not you (mama) should return to work? In an effort to find unity, maybe discuss a “trial” of three to six months to see if one decision will work and make a list of confirmations that will indicate whether or not it is working for you and your family. Timelines/trials can be a game-changer!
Transparency
After bringing the decision to the table with our spouse and finding agreement (whether that be a trial period or not) it can be helpful to then bring it to our gospel community: our mentors, marriage advocates, and people we have lived life alongside who know and love us.
At the “table” our motives can be lovingly questioned, and we can experience both excitement and peace with the decision made because we didn’t make it alone. If you and your spouse don’t have Christian community, begin praying and asking the Lord (who is faithful!) to bring you into community with the body of Christ.
Gospel Assurance
If you and your spouse are struggling to find unity around a big decision, I pray for God’s peace to rule and reign in a time that may feel tumultuous and uncertain. Rest in the fact that your identity in Christ is assured. Remembering who our identity is rooted in often relieves the pressure and ambiguity around big decisions.
From there, seek God’s wisdom through prayer and in the scriptures. Do it together. If the decision is a go, bring it to your people—the ones who love God and want his best for you.
Even if the decision feels like a “failure” or doesn’t go the way you planned, remember whose you are and that nothing (not even a not-so-great big decision) will ever separate you from his love.[2]
God is gloriously good in that he is able to use both the good and the challenging parts of decision making to show us who he is.
[1] 1 Thessalonians 5:17
[2] Romans 8:37–39
