Two Truths & a Lie About Feelings
In the stress of the move, I felt out of control. The noise in the house rose (because I have four small children), so the noise in my head rose too. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. The tension boiled to the surface until it spilled over into guttural screams of frustration. I looked over at the four little people staring at me in terror, tears forming in their eyes, and I was crushed. I knew that I had responded in anger and frustration. I knew I had hurt them. I knew I had grieved God. But I had no idea how I could have responded any differently. In those moments, the constant refrain echoes in my head:
“It’s just the way I am. I can’t help the way I feel.”
I’ve spent the better part of my life thinking that I can’t help how I feel. There are moments where my feelings feel wholly other than me—almost like I’m in an out of body experience. I’m standing outside of angry or anxious Courtney in disbelief, wondering how I can get her back to real life.
Coming to terms with my fluctuating feelings has been the battle of my Christian life. I’ve had to learn how to submit these feelings to the Lord. I’ve had to learn how to harness my feelings for good. And I’ve learned a few truths and confronted a few lies along the way.
Truth: Feelings Are God-Given
I think it’s helpful to find God’s purpose and design in our midst, especially when what we struggle with can be so debilitating. If we aren’t completely controlled by our feelings, Christians can sometimes run to the other extreme, pushing feelings so far down that stoicism emerges in their place.
Feelings in isolation are not necessarily sinful. Our response to our feelings is where sin often creeps in. But just plain feelings are actually given to us by God.
We are created in God’s image, and we see throughout scripture that God feels.[1] He feels sorrow.[2] He feels anger.[3] He feels joy.[4] So it makes sense that we have feelings too. We bear his image, so when we feel joy, we tell a story about God. When we feel sorrow, we tell a story about God. When we feel anger, we tell a story about God. The real test is what story our feelings tell about him. When we’re grieved over what God grieves over, we tell a beautiful story about his concern for the world. But when we’re angry over our own inconveniences or pride being hurt, we push God to the side, making our will ultimate.
When we feel deeply, or when we’re tempted to push our feelings to a hidden corner, this truth should guide us—our feelings are God-given. He is constantly teaching us how to have our feelings shaped by who he is and by his word.
Truth: Feelings Are Normal
Along with feelings being God-given, they are also normal. Sometimes, as women, we can be made to feel guilty over our feelings. If we cry over something sad or frustrating, it can be perceived as weakness. We’ve probably heard of the woman who was frowned upon for seeming “too emotional” at work or school. Or maybe you even find yourself overwhelmed by your ever-changing feelings, and wonder if something is wrong with you.
Feelings are normal.
This doesn’t mean that there aren’t situations when our feelings are impacted by chemical imbalances that need medical intervention, life circumstances that need counseling, or just a greater need for margin and sleep. But even our emotional response to these things doesn't mean we are alien to everyone else around us. Our feelings help us cope with life in a broken world, so even highly emotional responses to loss, grief, suffering, and difficulty are normal.
To be human is to feel, and to be human is to feel life deeply in joy and in pain. It’s normal to weep when a friend loses a child, even Jesus wept over loss.[5] It’s normal to fear when you don’t know what’s awaiting you each day. It’s normal to be angry when you see injustice in the world—or even right in front of you. This is why the Psalms are filled with so many different feelings, because to be human is to feel life deeply. And life in a broken world is incredibly hard. The psalmists are often responding to real life circumstances that we have historical record of in other Old Testament books. These poems are filled with intense emotion and questions—all within holy, inspired scripture.
We were created to feel by a God who feels. And feelings are normal.
Lie: Feelings Are The Boss
One of the lies that the world tells us, and that I even tell myself, is that I can’t control my feelings. If things are hard or I’m mad, I simply can’t help myself. I just feel it. One of the reasons we’re tempted to believe this is because our feelings seem so outsized and difficult to manage. In the height of an emotional outburst very little can bring us into calm. We feel helpless. We feel out of control. We feel defeated. And we are crushed by the reality that our overgrown feelings impact the ones we love most, like our children.
But the God who created us to feel also gave us the power to harness these feelings in the power he provides. If we have been raised with Christ, then we also have been given resurrection power for self-control.[6] Why? Because the Holy Spirit resides inside us, and his primary job is to change us, shape us, and conform us more into the image of Christ. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t feel, because we know that Jesus felt life deeply. But it does mean that our feelings aren’t the ruler of our lives—King Jesus is the ruler. No matter how many outbursts of emotion we’ve had in the past, it’s never too late to find forgiveness and restoration at the foot of the cross.
The world around us tries to settle our concerns about our emotional outbursts by pointing us to the uncontrollable nature of our feelings. And they can certainly feel uncontrollable. But God is the Creator of all things—including our feelings. If he created our feelings, then he also controls our feelings. They cannot be the boss because only God is the boss. This is comforting news when my feelings feel out of control.
As I often tell my kids after a hard day (for them and for me), “Tomorrow is a new day, with new mercies, and new opportunities to obey.” What an encouragement when self-control is lacking and feelings run wild! With the rising of the morning sun, comes new hope to submit our ever-changing feelings to God and his word. Tomorrow can be better than yesterday, and every day forward can be a chance to see the power of Christ powerfully displayed in us as we use our feelings for good and God’s glory.
[1] Genesis 1:26-27
[2] )Matthew 23:37; Luke 13:34
[3] Exodus 32:10-11; Deut. 9:8; 2 Kings 13:3
[4] Isaiah 65:18-19; Zephaniah 3:17
[5] John 11
[6] Galatians 5:16-26
