When Grief Becomes Dangerous (and What to Do About It)
Editor’s Note: The following article addresses ongoing grief and depression. While we believe the gospel provides hope to all our suffering, we recognize the sensitivity and nuance required in discussing these topics. This article is not meant to replace professional medical help. We encourage anyone who is experiencing or has experienced deep grief to seek counsel from a local pastor, an older woman in your church body, a licensed counselor, or a medical doctor.
My daughter’s first day of school was also my first day in the psychiatric hospital. After she boarded the bus, I confessed to my husband that I was (once again) trapped in a dangerous spiral of despair. Seventeen years of unprocessed losses had rushed over me the night before. The sting of my dad’s death felt suddenly fresh, though six years had already passed. A recent cross-country relocation had uprooted us from our support system, and the daily demands of raising three young children were exacerbated by financial strains and relational conflicts.
I’d been weeping bitterly (yet secretly) for weeks. My sadness had taken a turn for the worse.
At the time, I didn’t know that my bitter tears weren’t meant to be avoided or condemned but engaged. As Dr. Charles Hodges writes, “It is no accident that when we suffer loss, we respond emotionally for a time and with an intensity that matches the problem. God made us that way in his image.”[1] In one sense, this reality is comforting because it is normalizing. Just as bitter tears can be faithful responses to loss,[2] sadness may be regularly experienced by some mothers—“for a variety of identifiable reasons”[3]—until Christ sees fit to return or call us home.[4]
But perhaps Dr. Hodges’s statement also leaves us wondering about the time and intensity of our grief. If loss-related sadness feels too strong for too long, does that mean grief has morphed into depression?
This is a complex question to answer. Growing through grief is not formulaic—we’re embodied souls, not emotional switchboards. And while suffering loss is a universal human experience, it is also an intensely personal one which no two mothers encounter, interpret, and process exactly alike. Therefore, perhaps it is prudent to reframe our approach by thinking in terms of safe sadness and dangerous sadness. Doing so leaves room for a variety of grief experiences while (1) preventing us from abnormalizing a mother’s response to loss and (2) acknowledging that there are occasions when loss-related sadness becomes concerning.
When Is Our Sadness Safe?
So how might we gauge whether the sadness we are experiencing today is safe or dangerous? Let’s start by considering what comes to mind when we think of safety. For me, the word “safe” stirs up childhood memories of playing tag and touching “base” (usually a tree) to avoid being tagged “it.” Every player knew that base was a safe place to be—somewhere we could stop, catch our breath, and rest without the fear of being tagged. In other words, base was regarded by all as a real and present refuge from “danger.”
The same rings true for the kind of sadness that is safe. When grief leads us to take refuge in Christ—when it compels us to rest “beneath the shadow of [his] wings until the danger passes by” (Psalm 57:1 NLT)—we experience the kind of sadness that promotes healing. In this way, sadness can be safe (productive, even) because it drives us “to the only place and power that bring about real change”[5] in our lives. Yes, we cry bitter tears and lament. We wrestle with fears and reel from pain. But safe sadness propels us to do business with the Lord, that we might come to rest in the everlasting arms.[6]
“Keep me safe, my God,” David laments, “for in you I take refuge” (Psalm 16:1 NIV).
When Is Our Sadness Dangerous?
Do you know what it is like for confusion and pain to persist while your sorrows loom larger than life? If so, then you know how hard it can sometimes be for our souls to take refuge in Christ. Maybe it is hard because he does not seem safe anymore. Perhaps we’re angry about what’s happened and afraid of what comes next, or we doubt he’s even holding us at all. Whatever our reasons, sadness can become dangerous when we resist the rest Christ offers to us in the midst of it.[7] And when Jesus does not seem to be a real and present refuge in the wake of loss, we can be tempted to take grief relief into our own hands.
This rest-resistance is dangerous, especially when we feel swallowed by sorrow. The night before my hospitalization, God did not seem like a real and present refuge for me to rest in. I felt harshly handled by him—not safely held anymore. As a result, I sought immediate relief for my overwhelming grief by taking refuge in alcohol and self-harm. Somehow darkness seemed safer than light.[8] My will to live had dangerously wavered.[9]
Immediate Help for Dangerous Sadness
Dangerous sadness is appropriately concerning at any stage of grief, particularly when it drives us to seek rest and relief in substances, self-harm, or self-destructive habits. However, the good news is that Christ has mercy for moms who feel disoriented and disillusioned after suffering loss.[10] If it seems like your sadness has taken a turn toward the danger zone today, these suggested steps can help get you on a path back to safety:
Give voice to your “felt reality.” What does it feel like to be you today? How you answer that question describes your felt reality—a perspective which is framed by your own thoughts, assumptions, and emotions.[11] Using the cries found in Psalm 88, make a list of words or phrases that help you to articulate your current frame of mind.
Lament your “felt reality.” Using this list, cry out to God and tell him what you are feeling and thinking right now. Engage him with your questions. Express to him your complaint. Submit what you feel to be true about God to what you know to be true about him, according to his Word.
Ask God to show you how to live, even as you grieve. When it comes to walking through grief, even the feeblest steps of faith are incredible acts of courage. Ask God to show you how to take your next small, life-sustaining step forward, according to the moment you’re in.
Choose to trust you are held. Remember that you are already safe at “base” because you belong to Jesus. He’s holding your hand, guiding you with his counsel, and leading you heavenward day by day.[12]
Build a support team. As Proverbs 11:14 (ESV) says, “In an abundance of counselors there is safety.” Ask a spouse or friend for help in assembling a group of people who can care for you—spiritually, physically, emotionally, and practically—during this time. This group may include mature believers, counselors, advocates, nutritionists, social workers, pastors or elders, medical doctors, or other professionals who can offer the interventions and resources needed to bring you back to a place of stability.
Resist false refuges. In my case, this looked like establishing an immediate (and subsequently life-long) prohibition of alcohol. If you regularly turn to particular false refuges when seeking rest or relief from emotional pain, confess what they are to your support team and ask for their help in making practical changes in this area.
Sisters, God does not expect us to suffer any kind of sadness in silence. If today you feel blinded by grief (and all of the pain and confusion that comes with it), you are free to cry to Christ. “He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve” (Psalm 103:10 NLT), but cares for his sheep like a Good Shepherd should.[13] Even as you go through the valley, he is keeping and holding you close.[14] Jesus will not mishandle or misunderstand you.[15] Your sadness is safe with him.
[1] Hodges, Charles D. Good Mood, Bad Mood: Help and Hope for Depression and Bipolar Disorder, (Wapwallopen, PA; Shepherd Press, 2012), 79.
[2] Job 1:20, 22; Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4; John 16:20
[3] Hodges, Good Mood, Bad Mood, 36.
[4] Revelation 21:4
[5] Hodges, Good Mood, Bad Mood, 89.
[6] Deuteronomy 33:27
[7] Matthew 11:28-29; Hebrews 4:1
[8] Psalm 88:18
[9] If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or urges to self-harm, please seek immediate help by reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, mentor, pastor, counselor, local medical or emergency personnel, or by dialing the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (for U.S. Callers).
[10] Lamentations 3:22; Hebrews 2:17-18
[11] Rigney, Joe. “Submit Your Felt Reality to God.” Desiring God, June 30, 2022. https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/submit-your-felt-reality-to-god.
[12] Psalm 73:23-24
[13] Psalm 103:10; John 10:14-15
[14] Psalm 23:3; Isaiah 40:1
[15] Hebrews 4:15-16
