3 Things Your Friend Who Miscarried Needs to Hear
“My friend just had a miscarriage? What should I do/say?”
Each week, a handful of messages like this arrive in my email inbox or DMs, and I mourn once again over the pain of loss of life in the womb. Yet, I also rejoice over the precious gift of community. It cheers my heart that one woman would feel the weight of another’s invisible loss, and that she would seek wisdom on how to care for her well. The fact that you are reading this article suggests that you are a person who longs to care well for others in the midst of their grief, and so I thank you.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. If you have a social media account, you’ve doubtless encountered the statistics and know the likelihood that someone close to you has or will experience a miscarriage at some point. It’s one thing to be aware of the reality and frequency of pregnancy loss, it’s another thing entirely to equip yourself to care for the women in your community who experience it.
In my own experience, and from what I have gleaned from talking with bereaved mothers after the experience of miscarriage, three expressions have been most effective in communicating care without risking exacerbating the pain of a woman walking through pregnancy loss. These are some of the most powerful, helpful, and safe things you can say in response to a friend who experiences pregnancy loss.
1. “I am sad with you.”
Because of the hidden nature of what is lost, miscarriage can be a particularly isolating grief. In a culture with laws that deny the personhood of unborn children, many women feel shame over the magnitude of the sorrow they feel over the loss of life in their wombs, especially in the beginning stages of pregnancy. When you communicate that you share the sorrow of your grieving sister, not only do you faithfully carry out the biblical instruction to weep with those who weep,[1] you validate the grief of your sister over the loss of her unborn child, helping her to mourn more fully and be ministered to more completely. This phrase is also comforting because it makes no attempt to rush your sister’s grief or to explain it away. Even if you’re not able to sit with her physically, communicating that you are sad with her over her loss provides emotional companionship in what may otherwise be a lonely place.
2. “I am available to you.”
Beyond the instructions to weep with and comfort one another, the Bible offers more help to those longing to care well for others in the midst of grief in its instructions to serve one another and to bear one another’s burdens.[2] Following the loss of life in the womb, a woman is often weak from blood loss, mentally exhausted from processing shocking news, and emotionally drained from grief. She likely wishes she could press some sort of pause button, and yet, life doesn’t stop—dishes keep appearing in the sink, bills continue to come in, work projects still need to be completed, and perhaps she has a living child or children who remain in need of her care.
This expression of willingness to serve her during this limiting season is a powerful gesture beyond the practical help to which it may lead. Just by acknowledging her need, you minister to your sister. In the moment she receives your offer of help, she knows that she is seen, the needs she may have felt ashamed of are suddenly validated, and the defeat she may have felt looking at the tasks before her may be alleviated.
Though these words are powerful, your grieving sister’s tired mind may have difficulty thinking of exactly how she might employ the vague offers of help from another. Therefore, one simple way you can serve her (even within your offer of service) is to accompany the expression of your willingness to help with specificity. Consider offering to care for her living children to afford her the opportunity to rest or to process. Perhaps you could offer to drop off a meal in the next few days, or to clean her house, or even just her kitchen and bathrooms yourself (or pay for a cleaning service to do it). Make a list of what you imagine her needs to be and consider the ways you might practically meet them. You might also avoid adding to her burden by freeing her from the obligation to take you up on any of them or even to respond. But rest assured, the gesture matters even if the help is not accepted.
3. “I am praying for you.”
We aren’t always taken up on our offers of help, and we don’t always get to play the role we’d like to in the grief of those dear to us, but prayer is no minor service. In fact, it is one of the most powerful ways, if not the most powerful way, that we can serve our grieving sisters in their hour of need. By remembering them in prayer and interceding for them specifically, you strengthen your sister physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Letters written to churches in the New Testament are filled with requests for prayer and assurances of intercession because it is no arbitrary action, it is a means by which God fortifies his people under trial. By communicating to your sister that you are faithfully praying for her, and perhaps even sharing specific details or scriptures you are praying for her, you will encourage her heart and hopefully help her to see God’s provision for her even in the midst of her hardship.
“I’m sad with you. I’m available to you. I’m praying for you.”
These phrases are three of the most effective expressions of care that you can offer a friend in the wake of pregnancy loss. I pray that they will equip you to care well for others, and that the women you love walking through pregnancy loss will feel loved by your use of them.
[1] Romans 12:15
[2] 1 Peter 4:10; Galatians 6:2
