How Do I Talk to My Kids About Obedience?
My kids have recently learned the unending versatility of the word why. They get me every time. One of my sons asks, “Why?” and with delight at his intellectual curiosity, I offer a serious answer only to be greeted with another, “Why?” accompanied by a grin and a giggle. No matter how I answer, they repeat the question over and over.
Sometimes our kids asking why is a silly game, sometimes it expresses genuine curiosity, sometimes it’s a challenge to our authority. When our kids ask why in the context of obedience, it can be tempting to rely on “Because I said so” as a conversation ender. And sometimes that’s a reasonable answer. It’s good and right for our children to obey immediately out of trust and respect for our authority as parents.
But more often, either in the moment or later in the day, we would be wise to talk to our kids about why obedience matters. As we discipline and correct them, we have the opportunity for conversations that move beyond “Because I said so,” and give our kids a gospel context for how and why they should obey. As we talk about obedience in our family, here are three principles we’ve found helpful to reiterate to our kids.
Life Works Best When We Obey
One of the more serious why questions our kids will contemplate is, why is obedience good for me? Obedience tends to be associated with less fun and less freedom. Just as Eve was persuaded that obeying God’s command not to eat the fruit meant she was missing out on something good, we and our children can have a hard time believing that obedience is the best choice.[1] That lie from the garden lingers in all of our hearts and minds, so we need to preach the truth of what Scripture says about obedience to our children (and ourselves).
In Deuteronomy 4:40, when Moses instructs Israel to keep the Lord’s commandments, he explains why: “that it may go well with you and with your children after you, and that you may prolong your days in the land that the Lord your God is giving you for all time.” Moses explains a principle here that we see illustrated throughout Scripture—things go well for us when we obey the Lord.
The way we say it in our family is, “Life works best when we obey.” God’s commandments are a protection for us. He’s a loving Father who knows and wants what’s best for his children. He’s the Creator of the universe, and he knows how it all works best. If my sons disregard the instruction manual that comes with a new Lego set, the pieces may eventually fit together, but they won’t end up with the impressive creation pictured on the box, and they’ll have a lot of frustration in the building process. Similarly, when we disregard God’s instructions for how we should live, we often experience difficulty and heartache.
However, obedience isn’t a free pass out of suffering and it’s not a means of salvation. Because of the fall, all of our lives will include suffering, sadness, and unexpected griefs, to some degree, even when we try to do things God’s way. But obedience is a way we demonstrate our love for God and remember his love for us.
Obey in Everything
As I talk with my sons after they disobey, I usually ask them to recite Colossians 3:20 with me: “Children obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” This verse sets a high standard for both parents and children. If our children are to obey us in everything, we must be careful to only instruct them to do things that are biblical and appropriate.
Still, even when our expectations are good and right, our kids may sometimes want to know why we’re disciplining them for disobedience in something that seems small. It’s important that our children learn that the biblical standard for obedience is to obey in everything—perfect righteousness.
But, as one of my sons will tell you, that’s an impossible standard. He knows he can’t live up to it, and his first reaction when I point out his disobedience is to feel defeated. So why do I keep leading him to this point even though it breaks my heart to see his tears? Because when he’s reminded that God’s standard is perfection and he realizes he’s completely incapable of meeting it, he’s in a perfect position to hear the good news of the gospel—that Jesus obeyed the Father in everything. That Jesus lived a perfect life and died the death that we deserve. That Jesus offers us his perfect record.
As we talk to our kids about obedience, let’s not lower the standard. Scripture calls them to obey in everything. And when we call them to this standard, we have an opportunity to point them to the gospel.
Obedience Pleases the Lord
Colossians 3:20 offers another key truth about why obedience is important: it pleases the Lord. I emphasize to my kids that obedience isn’t ultimately about pleasing me, it’s about pleasing the Lord. That’s why I use “Because I said so” sparingly. I never want my kids to think I’m the ultimate authority over them. It’s important for them to understand that we, as parents, are also under God’s authority.
And it’s important that the obedience we require of our children is grounded in God’s Word, not just our preferences or pet peeves. So, I find it helpful to base conversations about disobedience on how my child’s attitude or behavior stands in contrast to a command in Scripture or the life of Christ. I can tell my son to stop calling his brother rude names explaining that I’m tired of hearing them bicker, or I can ask my son how Jesus commanded us to love others and then apply “love your neighbor as yourself” to name-calling. When I take the former approach, I teach him that obedience is about pleasing me. When I take the latter approach, I teach him that obedience is about loving and pleasing the Lord.
Before we walk away from these conversations, I make my boys look me in the eye and hear me say, “I’ll always forgive you and I’ll always love you.” This is the time I hope they ask, “Why?”—and I’ll answer it a million times. Because that’s how the Father loves and forgives us in Christ. God doesn’t love us because we obey perfectly. Christ died for us because he knows we can’t obey perfectly. In a gospel-centered conversation about obedience, the takeaway isn’t: don’t mess up again—or else. The takeaway is: no matter how many times you mess up, you will always find love and forgiveness here. When our kids know the security of unconditional love, they can rightly understand that obedience isn’t a way to earn God’s favor—it’s an overflow of the heart that already has it.
[1] Genesis 3:4–6
